Scene 1:
Arthur:I just don’t get it dad
Major:Son its for your own good
Arthur:Dad, I’m 15 years old I can handle things like these, I’m a practical adult, its not like I’m five
Major:I’m just concerned Arthur about your emotions
Arthur:Why’d you kill him?
Major:He had to go Arthur and your mother and I felt that if we do it while your away it wouldn’t affect you as much
Arthur:You just don’t get it dad do ya?
Major:Arthur, I understand fine now just go upstairs and do your homework, I’d like for you to keep your grades and morale high
(Arthur goes up stairs and sits at his desk and does his homework, his sister walks in)
Lillian:You shouldn’t feel bad, Art, they’re just doing whats best for you
Arthur:The put him to sleep sis, I’ve had that dog for 12 years thats close to my whole life.*sigh*
They just don’t seem to get it
Lillian:Arthur, I wish you’d see it from there prospective, they just want to protect you
Arthur:I can accept that Hector is gone but I can’t accept what they did
Lillian:Well you can’t be mad at mom and dad forever, just give it time, maybe you’ll feel better in the morning
Arthur:Yeah, it couldn’t get no worse sis
(Lillian leaves the room)
End Scene 1
Scene 2
(We see Ernie and Arthur walking in the street)
Ernie:And they didn’t tell you
Arthur:Not til about 7
Ernie:Jesus Art, are your parents stupid or somethin?
Arthur:No its just they don’t understand me
Ernie:Well who does, Art, I mean look at ya. You’re 15 years old, you’ve never had a girlfriend,
you sit at home on the weekends and read. Your a square Art, a square.
Arthur:Well its just I’d like to live a calm casual life.
Ernie:That’s your whole problem Art, your not willing to take risks, you’re afraid to one day you’ll be up for President of the United States and they’ll find something on your record that’ll snub the campaign.
Arthur:Ernie, I’m not afraid of anything. I think I’m sociable I’m capable of anything
Ernie:Why don’t me and you hit up two babes on Saturday night you can take Julie or something like that and I can get your sister.
Arthur:Julie Oglebee? Ah I don’t know Ernie, Julie just doesn’t seem like my type and heaven knows Lillian doesn’t like you that much
Ernie:You kiddin me Art, your sister was lookin me up all over the room this morning. She’s got the hots for me ya know?
Arthur:Ah come on Ernie, Lillian is a good girl she’s not like Julie
Ernie:Eh, I can make any girl bad. ’member Angie. Before I met her, Church Girl, the rev’s daughter. After I met her, a little devil.
Arthur(brief laugh):Ah Ernie I don’t know what I’m goin to do with you
Ernie:I know what you can do
(He pulls out a pack of cigarettes)
Ernie:Take one and smoke and we can make school by Gym.
Arthur:Oh come on Ernie, put them away
Ernie:Jeez Art just take one, whats the worst that can happen? Maggardy sees us? That fat hog couldn’t spot us from 20 feet by his waist line.
Arthur:This is a bad idea Ernie. Lets just get to class.
Ernie:Fine but you gotta do it sometime Art, no ones perfect.
(The bell rings)
End Scene 2
Scene 3
(We enter in the lunch room where Arthur is talking with Janet and Ernie)
Janet:So they didn’t tell you?
Arthur:Yup went behind my back yet again
Janet:Don’t feel bad Art, Norma always tells me to let things slide and make peace with everyone else
Arthur:I guess she’s right I mean they’re my parents I wouldn’t want to hurt them
Ernie:Janet, you goin to the dance this weekend?
Janet:Why would I not?
Ernie:Beautiful, Art, here’s your date
Arthur:Wh-what?
(He blushes and walks away, Ernie follows)
Ernie:Where you goin? Hey!
(They walk into the bathroom)
Arthur:Ah jeez Ernie what are you doing?
Ernie:Settin you up Art, come on its time you step out of your shell and do something with your life. The first step is here, you take Janet, you dance and go for the home run
Arthur:She’s not that kind of girl, Ernie. Besides I’ve known her all my life and my parents know her parents. I mean heck Lillian and Norma graduated together
Ernie:o what its perfect two families united through love between one’s son and the other’s daughter
Arthur:I don’t know about this, Ern
Ernie:Trust me Art, if you don’t ask her now you’ll never besides how long to some other fella comes along and takes her
Arthur:*sigh* I guess I can do it
Ernie:That’s what I like to here
(Ernie and Arthur walk back to the table)
Janet(laughing a little):What was that about?
Ernie:Nature came callin, he almost peed himself
Arthur:That is not true
Janet:Oh Ernie cut it out
Arthur::So what time do you want to meet?
Janet:5pm
Athur:My place?
Janet:It’s a date
Arthur:Alright then
End Scene 3
Scene 4
(We find Janet walking with Arthur after school)
Janet:Can you believe Ernie?
Arthur:Not really, he’s always getting himself into trouble
Janet:Do you think they’re going to allow him to go to the dance?
Arthur:Probably not but he’ll find a way in, he always does.
Janet:Yeah--why did you walk away earlier when Ernie told me to go with you to the dance?
Arthur:Um well...I didn’t really expect him to do it there and then. Really I wanted to ask you
myself but I was kinda waiting for the right time
Janet:I understand you gotta be more self confident Arthur.
Arthur:Its not that its just I wanted a good timing like...now or maybe over the phone
Janet:Over the phone? Who asks someone out over the phone. Arthur I’ve known you for 13
years; I know why you walked away. You didn’t want to ask me because you weren’t going.
Arthur:Oh come on Janet thats not true
Janet:Arthur I can read you like a book its obvious. Its alright though if your not willing to go. I can find another date
Arthur:No, I’m going I’m going. Heh, why would I not go. I mean come on, my first and probably only chance to take a fine girl like you on a date.
Janet:I appreciate the comment Arthur but somehow I doubt your sincerity
Arthur:Whaddya mean?
Janet:I know you better than yourself, Art
Arthur:Look I want to go with ya
Janet:Of course you do
Arthur:I’m being serious Janet!
Janet(laughing):I know you are Arthur, chill out I’m kidding. Of course I’ll go to the dance with you
Arthur:Alright then…(mummering)but theres a bit of a problem
Janet:Whats that?
Arthur:I can’t dance
Janet:Is that all? I can teach you to dance Arthur
Arthur:You can?
Janet:Yeah just come over tonight
Arthur:Alright, well here’s my stop. I’ll see what time?
Janet:7pm, if your parents allow you out
Arthur:I’m sure they will
(He walks into the house and she continues walking looking back as he enters his home)
(We go inside Arthur’s home)
Major:Bout time you got here son
Arthur:Glad to be home, dad
Jessie:Art, your dinners getting cold. Sit down here and talk with me and your father
(He sits down)
Major:So sport how was school today
Arthur:It was fine I suppose
Major:That’s good to here, you hangin around with that Lacey boy?
Arthur:Yes dad
Major:Son how many times do I got to tell you, that boy is a menace. One day he’s going to be
sitting in Alcatraz rotting with other punks
Arthur:He’s not a bad person dad, he’s just misunderstood
Major:He gets in trouble every day, a guy like that is just screaming Bad Company
Jessie:Oh Major, you were young once to
Major:But I never got in trouble the way this boy does
Jessie:If I remember correctly, you were always fighting Johnny Doyle
Major:That’s because he made a move for ya I had to do something
Jessie:Still, you got in trouble yourself plenty of times
Major:Yes but Art shouldn’t repeat my actions. Fighting isn’t worth it, Art, a clean life is the way to go. Hell 5 years from now you’ll be in a big school like Yale or even Harvard and Ernie will be rotting away in a jail cell far away.
Arthur:I wish you wouldn’t think that way dad, Ernie has a bright future ahead of him like me.
Major:Yeah when they install lights in the prison
(Lillian walks down stairs)
Lillian:Yeah and he should also stop asking me out
Major:That boy giving you trouble, Lil?
Lillian:He’s got a practical crush on me he’s always calling and courting me
Major:I should pick up that phone and give him a piece of my mind
Lillian:Nah, besides I think its kind of cute
Major:Lillian there isn’t nothing cute about Ernie Lacey he’s just a punk.
Lillian:I just tend to believe theres good in everyone…and what kind of dress is Janet wearing Saturday, Art?
(Arthur nearly chokes on a chicken wing)
Arthur:Um well she hasn’t really told me yet
Major:Janet? Dress? You taken her out on a date, Art?
Arthur:Well yeah, we’re supposed to(mumbling)go to the dance Saturday
Jessie:Oh how wonderful Art
Lillian:Yeah, Norma told me Art
Arthur(sarcastically):Good ole Norma
Jessie:I think its great, you two have been best friends for a long time, its time for you two to finally start dating.
Arthur:We’re not really dating per se its just a date
Lillian:So you’re dating?
Arthur:No we’re just going out on a fine dance thing
Lillian:So you’re dating?
Arthur:Look its not that at all I mean heck, we might not go to another dance again after this
Jessie:You should give her a chance, Arthur, she is a such a nice girl
Arthur:Look I don’t want to rush things. I mean dating can hurt a friendship sometimes
Major:Arthur, if you need some advice ask me, I was the king of queens back in High School
Arthur:Dad, I don’t need any help its just a dance
Lillian:You sure about that?
Arthur:I am a 100 percent sure. Now if you excuse me I got to have a little talk with Ernie
(He goes up stairs)
(We go to Janet’s house hours later)
Janet:It’s about time you got here, Art
Arthur:Wheres your folks at?
Janet:Oh they went out to the movies
Arthur:Ah, wheres Norma?
Janet:She’s got work tonight so we got the whole house to ourselves.
Arthur:That’s swell
Janet(giggle):I know, right?
(They go into her basement)
Janet:We might want to make this fast, my parents don’t like when I have boys over they might
think something of it.
Arthur:Well they know me its not like they’re going to freak out or anything
Janet:Oh you’d be surprised…now lets get this started. Do you know how to do the Madison?
Arthur:Not really
Janet:Well you do this. Step left forward, Place right beside left and clap, Step back on right,
Move left foot back and across the right, Move left foot to the left, Move left foot back and across the right. Now you do it
(He does but fails)
Janet:Try it again
(He tries again but this time moves the wrong way and knocks over Janet but catches her before
she falls to the ground)
Arthur:Oh look I’m very sorry
Janet:Its ok, the Madison just isn’t your dance. Trust me I have problems with dances too. Why
don’t we try to slow dance.
Arthur:Ok I guess I can try that
(They slow dance and he steps on her toes)
Janet:Ow
Arthur:Sorry
(He continues doing so by accident. He soon lets go and decides to leave but on his way out, Janet stops him)
Janet:Wait. where are you going?
Arthur:Forget it, I’m no good at that stuff
Janet:Oh come on, Art, its your first night you got plenty of time to get ready for it
Arthur:Its hopeless, your better off taking Ernie to the dance.
Janet:Just try, Art, try
Arthur:I’m doing the best I can. Face it I’ll never be as good as him. He’s always out there going to dances, real ones, downtown
Janet:You shouldn’t so down on yourself, Art
Arthur:I can’t help it Janet, I just feel like I’m some kind of failure. Face it I’m going nowhere. In
42 years they’ll be giving out awards for the 20th Century and dub me as the biggest failure. Its
like Ernie says I’m just some 15 year old square who reads books on the weekends. I’ll never be anything.
Janet:You won’t be with that attitude. You just need some confidence.
Arthur:*sigh* Theres that word again. Face it I’m nothing
Janet(putting her hand on his shoulder):Arthur, you’re not nothing. Your bound to be something. You’d think I’d be friends with you if I didn’t believe you can be something great?
Arthur:What do you mean?
Janet:I have faith in you Art, I have faith that maybe one day you’re going to come out of your little shell and be something. That’s why we’re really good friends
Arthur:I guess we are better friends then anyone else. I mean heck you’re the only one that understands me. You know me better than my own parents.
Janet:I feel something when I’m around you, Art
Arthur:What do you feel exactly?
Janet:I feel that you can be the ideal guy for me. I feel that I…love you
Arthur:You love me?
Janet:Yeah I love you
Arthur(sarcastic Woody Allen-esqe laugh):You’re kidding right?
Janet:I’m not
Arthur:I can tell you are, don’t lie to me
Janet:Arthur, I’ve never lied to you. You just don’t get it
(As she walks away he follows her and stops her)
Arthur:Wait, I understand how you feel when did it hit you
Janet:I’ve always had something for you Art, I just didn’t want to admit it was love because I
feel it could hurt our great friendship. Then theres people who’ll laugh and point at us when we
walk by. Norma tells me never to let anyone know how you feel about certain guys.
Arthur:Norma isn’t always right
Janet:I guess I should’ve never told you because now I just feel awkward
Arthur:Don’t, I understand what you mean. I mean I feel the same way but not in love with you
type of manner just as friends
Janet:Well can you give it some thought?
Arthur:I will
Janet:Thank you because you really mean a lot to me
(They embrace each other in an "awkward" feeling)
End Scene 4
Scene 5
(We find Arthur with Ernie and Lillian in the kitchen the next day)
Arthur:They allowing you to go?
Ernie:Pfft…no but I’m going anyways
Arthur:How are you getting in?
Ernie:Easy, my cousin is the ticket vender and besides Maggardy doesn’t go to these things and if he does he’ll be at the buffet anyways
Arthur:Clever Ern, clever
Ernie(looking at Lillian):You goin to the dance sweetcheeks?
Lillian:I’m 19, your 16, do the math
Ernie:Age is just a number baby. My uncle is 42 and my aunt is 24.
Arthur:I thought your aunt was 41?
Ernie:That was my old aunt….this is my new one and she was a actress. Uncle Bill hit a home run with this dame
Arthur:You got a weird family Ernie
Ernie:Tell me about it, my mom was a factory worker and my dad was a maid. Except he called it a Stewart. My brother can bench press over 250 yet he’s a writer. Bunch of whack jobs if you ask me.
Lillian:So how did it go, yesterday, Arthur?
Arthur:Oh, it was ok I guess.
Ernie:Where’d he go yesterday?
Lillian:Over to Janet’s
Ernie:Ooo Artie’s already rounding 3rd
Arthur:Come on Ernie, I told you Janet is not that type of girl and besides we’re just friends. We’re not dating, we’re just going out to a dance
Ernie:So you’re dating?
Arthur:No, we are not dating we’re just going out on a date
Ernie:So…you’re…dating?
Arthur:You two are so much alike you should date
Lillian:No, simply put, no
Ernie:We do got a lot in common baby
Lillian:No we do not. We totally don’t
Ernie:You have dark hair, I have dark hair
Lillian:For the record, I am naturally a blonde. I dyed my hair
Ernie:Pfft…so was I
Lillian(slight laugh):No you weren’t
Ernie:Yes I was, there is no way in proving me wrong.
Lillian:Don’t lie to me like that
Ernie:Why you afraid it might affect our relationship?
Lillian:There is no relationship, Ernie just me and you
Ernie:We can take nothing and make it something
Lillian:Let me think…no
Ernie:What are you scared of, baby?
Lillian(arms crossed):Nothing
(He leans into to her with his arms wrapping around her)
Ernie:Chill baby, take it slowly…slowly
Arthur:Can you do this somewhere else, I’m trying to eat my cereal here
Lillian:Get off of me
(She pushes him off)
Ernie:Chill baby, tame the wild beast
(He puts his hand on his shoulder and it starts to go down her back before it can get any lower, she pushes him again leans up on the counter and grabs a butter knife)
Lillian:Ernie Lacey, I swear any close to me or any part of me. I will stab you in the little heart of yours
(He swipes the knife from her and puts it on the table. She runs away and he chases after her. They run through the kitchen, into the living room, and upstairs as she gets up the steps he slaps her in the buttocks(yes I actually wrote that) and he jumps back down stairs)
Lillian(after he smacks her):Ahh! Ernie!
Ernie:Lets get out of here
(He runs outside and Arthur follows behind we see Lillian sitting on the steps with her arms folded giving the prissy school girl look)
End Scene 5
Scene 6
(We find Ernie and Arthur sitting at the lunch table)
Ernie:I swear if we get homework again I will kiss Maggardy
Arthur:What is up with you today?
Ernie:What do ya mean?
Arthur:You’re acting a little out there today or something
Ernie:I think it might be that stuff my cousin gave me
Arthur:What was it?
Ernie:Its like some kind of drug
Arthur:Are we talking medicine or something?
Ernie:No he said it was called speed or something
Arthur:Speed? Gosh Ernie, first cigarettes now this? How am I ever going to get my father to respect you if you’re on drugs and stuff.
Ernie:I haven’t taken that much. My cousin does it all the type for track and stuff it makes you more hyperactive. I love it you should try it.
Arthur:Ernie I’m not going to do drugs, this is insane. I’m starting to think you’ve lost your mind
Ernie:I’ve lost a lot in my life but my mind is not one of them…so what happened yesterday?
Arthur:What do you mean?
Ernie:At Janet’s
Arthur:Nothing, I just came and we just talked?
Ernie:That’s it? Jeez Art make a move or something
Arthur:She’s no…
Ernie:She’s not that kind of girl. Whopee doo, Art. It’s the same thing with you. You got no confidence and you don’t think she’s that kind of girl. She was pregnant once.
Arthur:Ernie don’t lie to me like that. Janet’s a nice clean girl she has never been pregnant.
Ernie:How would you know that?
Arthur:Oh come on, Ern you sound like some crazy lunatic. I’ve known Janet for 15 years. She has never been pregnant.
Ernie:Like I said, there is no way in knowing that.
Arthur:There is plenty of ways.
Ernie:Such as?
Arthur:I’ve never heard this story
Ernie:I’ll tell you why, it was a cover up.
Arthur:Now you’re being ridiculous
Ernie:You see Arthur, back in the 8th grade, Janet went to Summer Camp and she was abducted by aliens, and one of the aliens impregnated her.
Arthur:Ernie, you need to seriously lay off the drugs and cigarettes…and Science Fiction movies.
Ernie:Haha, Art I’m just kidding. Your hostile you need to calm down
Arthur:I am perfectly calm
Ernie:Its only a joke
Arthur:Well I didn’t find it funny
Ernie:That’s because you have no sense of humour. You’d rather watch Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca then listen to Lenny Bruce.
Arthur:What do you see in that guy
Ernie:He’s spot on. He tells it like it is. Hollywood is just too fake. Bruce knows what he’s talking about.
Arthur:I just think he’s a hack
Ernie:Well who do you think is funny?
Arthur:Jack Benny
Ernie:Jack Benny? You mean the square on TV?
Arthur:He’s not a nerd, he just wears glasses for his vision
Ernie:You’d know Art
Arthur:Look you are really starting to tick me off
Ernie:Because I hate that my best friend is some kind of square. There’s a reason why I don’t bring you around Ace and the boys over at the Lumber Yard.
Arthur:Well gee, Ernie I guess the last 11 years don’t really mean a thing to you
(Arthur gets up and leaves)
Ernie:Eh come back here, Art, I’m only kidding!
End Scene 6
Scene 7
(We find Arthur sitting in his room)
Arthur: So they find me boring, nerdy, and unattractive. Well I’m about to prove them wrong. They’re about to see a new me.
(The next day we find Janet and Ernie sitting at the lunch table)
Janet: Where is Arthur?
Ernie: Dunno, probably cryin his eyes out
Janet: Why, what happened?
Ernie:He just goes overboard sometimes, he needs to learn to stay cool and chill.
Janet:What did you say to him?
Ernie:I told him the truth, the kid needs to hear it, I’m tired of my best friend being a square.
Janet:Jeez, Ernie can’t you just leave him alone? He’s your best friend
Ernie:I know, but he’s crampin my style, ya know?
Janet:You don’t do that to your best friend though
Ernie:Hey, when it comes to me and him its just me and no him
(Suddenly two doors open and out comes another student in blue denim jeans, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket with sunglasses and dark hair. He walks over as everyone glances. He walks over and grabs Ernie’s milk from the tray?)
The Student:What kind of tough guy greaser drinks milk?
(Ernie gets up).. -->[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->.. -->[endif]-->
Ernie:Whats that supposedta mean?
The Student:I think you better back down before I knock you down, Ern
Ernie:How do you know my name?
The Student:Its been a long time, but I don’t forget anything
(He takes off his sunglasses revealing Arthur)
Ernie:Damn now this is what I’m talkin about
Janet:Arthur, is that you?
Arthur:It ain’t Arthur no more baby, call me Art
Janet:Gee, Arthur, I mean Art, what happened
Art:Took Ern’s advice and this is what happened. No more book reading nerd, just one tough son of a…
(Principal Maggardy interrupts)
Maggardy:Listen here young man, you say one more word and I’ll have you straight in detention
Art:Yeah if you could catch me first Maggardy
Maggardy:That is Principal Maggardy to you, young man
Art:Yadda Yadda Yadda whatevah, just get out of here, your makin yourself look dumb
Maggardy:Young man, if I hear one more word, I wil…
Art:Eat my lunch? Wouldn’t surprise me none
(The whole cafeteria bursts out laughing)
Maggardy:That is it young man, off to my office.
(We go to Maggardy’s office)
Maggardy:What is your name, young man?
Art:Lenny Bruce
Maggardy:Don’t befuddle me
Art:Fine, Bartley, Art Bartley
Maggardy:Well this is a surprise, Bartley you are usually one of the more honorable and well-behaved students
Art:That was the past, Mag
Maggardy:Well I’m only going to give you a warning, but if this continues, I will make sure you never live to see your 20’s. Society does not need menaces running about but more geniuses like you, Bartley.
Art:Yeah, the world does need more people like me
(He smirks and walks out of the office)
End Scene 7
Scene 8
(We find Art walking outside after school with Ernie and Janet)
Ernie:So you got nothin
Art:Absolutely nothin, nada, ni ni
Ernie:That’s what I’m talkin bout
Art:Yeah Maggardy ran scared
Ernie:Haha I love ya Art
Janet:So you guys want to go to the Ice Bowl?
Ernie:Nah I gots to introduce Art to some of the boys down to the Lumber Yard
Janet:Oh, ok
Art:Eh, baby I’ll give you a call tonight.. -->[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->.. -->[endif]-->
Janet(stummering):Alright…talk to you tonight
(Janet leaves and Art and Ernie begin to make their way to the Lumber Yard. Soon they arrive there)
(Soon they get there)
Art:So this is it
Ernie:Yup, me, Bobby Blue, and the others come here everyday
(They walk over to find Bobby Blue)
Bobby Blue:Yo, whats up, Ernie. Who’s this fella?
Ernie:You know Arthur Bartley from school?.. -->[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->.. -->[endif]-->
Bobby Blue:You got to be kiddin’ me
Ernie:I kid you not
Bobby Blue:Dang wait til Roach hears bout this
(They walk over with Bobby Blue down a hill where they encounter Tommy Thunder, and Johnny Lightning)
Ernie:Art, I’d like to introduce to you, Thunder and Lightning
Tommy and Johnny:Eh
Ernie:They’re in a rock band called Thunder and Lightning, clever, eh?
Art:Yeah I guess
Tommy:You guess whats that supposed to mean?
Art:Its kind of contrieved ya know?
Tommy:No I don’t. Maybe you need an initiation. Can you play the guitar?
Art:No
Johnny:Can you sing?
Art:Not really
Tommy:How bout play the drums?
Art:Haven’t really tried an instrument
Johnny:If that’s the case, then why don’t you settle for the other initiation?
Art:Whats that?
Tommy:Motor cycle race, you versus Roach
(Suddenly out of nowhere seemingly, Roach, a young man with Elvis like-brown hair appears wearing a white beater and black jeans)
Roach:Somebody say my name?
Tommy:Yeah we did, boss
Roach:What yous guys want?
Johnny:This fella right here wants to join?
Roach:Who is he?
Bobby Blue:Art Bartley
Roach:Art Bartley? Hell, you gotta be kiddin me? You drag me out here for THIS?!?!? I’ll make short work of this guy.(To Arthur)Ever rode a bike, kid?
Art:To be honest, no?
Roach:Well prepare for a thrill ride. Me and you over the ramp, around the docks and whoever gets back here first wins.
Art:Oh, um, ok
(They line up)Ernie:Ready…Set…Go!
(They both take off, Roach has an early lead on Art, but Art manages to remain close, as they hit a turn, Art takes the lead, but Roach manages to stay close. They continue racing neck and neck)
Roach:Give it up, nerd, you can’t beat the best!
(They continue racing, but Art wrecks on a turn and Roach takes the lead, as Roach is about to come around to the next-to-last turn, Art gets back on the bike and flies out like a bat out of hell. As Roach comes around for the final turn, Art rides over the hill and lands in front of Roach crossing the finish line and winning the race.)
Johnny:Oh my god, the nerd did it!
Ernie:Jeez Art, that was a helluva race
Art:Helluva? That was the best damn race period!
(Roach looking on angrily walks over and grabs Art by the shirt collar)
Roach:Look here kid….you did great. Congrads your one of us now
Everybody except Art:One of us! One of us! One of us!
End Scene 8
Scene 9
(We find Arthur at his house with Roach, Tommy, Johnny, Bobby Blue, and Ernie)
(Jessie walks in with Lillian behind her)
Jessie:So Arthur, do you mind telling me who are these new friends of yours
Art:First off sweetheart, its Art, ya hear? Secondly they're Roach, Tommy, Johnny, and Bobby Blue
Jessie:Oh, hi boys, I can bake cookies if you want
Art:How bout it fellas?
Obscure Voices:Yeah Yeah sure
Art:You'd heard the men, mama make it chocolate chip
(Jessie walks out of the room)
Roach:So Lillian, long time no see
Lillian:Not since graduation, oh wait you dropped out
(He gets up)
Roach(putting hands on her shoulders):Now don't throw that in my face, baby.
Lillian:The last time I saw you, you were in a police car for smashing Maggardy's car
Roach:The fat lard had it coming
Lillian:A lot of people had it coming. Remember David? Remember your ex?
Roach:I told you Lily don't throw that at me
Lillian:Ok...Todd
(He shoves her)
Roach(angered):I told you do NOT throw it in my face
Lillian(tearing up):You see what he just did
Art:You should've not have thrown it in his face
Lillian:Ernie, aren't you going to at least do something
Ernie:Eh, don't throw me in this
Lillian(crying):I can't believe you
(She runs up stairs. As this transpires Major walks in)
Major:What happened here?
Art:She threw it in Roach's face
Major:Whose Roach?
Roach:I'm Roach
Major:What did you say to my daughter?
Roach:I told her to not throw it in my face
Major:I think you better leave young man before I have to throw you out myself
Roach:Chill out gramps you'll crack a hip
Major:What did you say?
(Art steps in)
Art:Look fellas, Roach, dad, just chill be cool. Roach go ahead and leave I'll talk to ya tomorrow
Major:Get the rest of them out too
Art:You kiddin me?
Major:No Arthur, I'm serious, get them out
Art:Fine fellas I'll see you all tomorrow too
(They leave)
Art:Jeez dad, did ya have to kick em out?
Major:Arthur, I'm all for you having friends and whatnot but in all honesty I'm not to "cool" with your new friends
Art:They're good guys pops
Major:And another thing what is it what these words you've been saying lately? Pops? Chill? Arthur this isn't you
Art:Dad first off, its Art, second thats how everyone talks these days. So get with the times old man
Major:Alright in your room, I'm not tolerating this.
Art:You ain't tellin me that
Major:Do it or your not going to that dance with Janet tomorrow night
Art(defeated):Fine
(He heads up stairs)
(Jessie walks in)
Jessie:What happened? Wheres the boys
Major:I sent them home
Jessie:Why did you do that?
Major:Its the crowd he's hanging with Jess, I'm not for it
Jessie:They seem like nice boys
Major:Thats how they get you. They play nice and act like good boys. But what you least suspect it, they're robbing banks and beating up on weaker children. That one boy is Dan Schmidt's boy. He got arrested for smashing the principal's car. A guy like that isn't a nice boy he is a thug a no good dirty rotten thug.
(While Major is talking music blares loudly coming from upstairs)
Major:Hey turn that racket off!
(Upstairs we see Art laying on his bed throwing a baseball up and down. Eventually Lillian comes in and turns it off)
Art:Eh! Whats your deal?
Lillian:You Art, you've been acting like a real jerk lately
Art:I can't see what you mean
Lillian:He struck me Art, he pushed me to the ground...and you did nothing about it!
Art:You pushed the envelope with him. You know he doesn't like being called Todd
Lillian:Art, he's a jerk, a real jerk. He smashed Maggardy's car, he put David Phillips in a wheelchair, even though he won't admit it I know it was him. His ex-girlfriend was always abused by him to the point where she had leave the state and change her name
Art(a tad concerned):Look Maggardy had it coming. The story I heard with David is that he was in a car wreck...
Lillian:He cut the breaks on David's car! He even bragged about it at school
Art:Lil, just listen, give the guy a chance, please? He's not the no good dirty scumbag you all seem to think he is
Lillian:Just listen to me. You're putting yourself in danger with this guy. He ain't no fun. He's practically all trouble and if your not careful he'll turn on you too
Art:Look I see this guy, I can trust him he can trust me and besides if he tries to pull something Ernie will back me up. So just get this "propaganda" out of my face and just leave me alone I gotta get ready for a date tomorrow night..
Lillian:Just watch your back
End Scene 9
Scene 10
(We find Art at the kitchen table the next day. Major walks in)
Major:So what time are we picking Janet up
Arthur:Around 6 I suppose
Major:Those boys going to be there?
Arthur:No dad, none of them go to the school besides Ernie and he's been suspended from all school activities
Major:Thats good, what time do you want to pick you all up?
Arthur:You don't have to, we get a ride back with friends
Major:Alright, here's the key to the house. Make sure you don't lose it
Arthur:I won't dad
Major:Nice to see you acting differently today
Arthur:I saw the error of my ways. Its like what Pastor Daugherty says, "Respect thy parents"
Major:Nice to see you have been listening at church for a change
Arthur:Without morals all society, itself would collapse and we'd all be cavemen
Major:Very true, son, very true
Arthur:I'm going to go take a walk
Major:Alright son, be back before the dance
(Arthur heads outside, gets on his bike and rides to the lumber yard)
(At the lumber yard we find Johnny, Tommy, Bobby Blue, Roach, and Ernie. Art arrives)
Roach:Well isn't it daddy's boy
Art:Look I had no other choice, it was either that or lose my date tonight
Roach:Whose the chick?
Art:Janet Williard
Roach:I know her sister, Norma. Or at least I knew her really well
(The group crackles)
Art:Ha ha ha yeah
Roach:You got a picture
Art:Not really
Roach:Well we'll meet yous twos at the dance tonight, what time?
Art:Around 10:30 I suppose
Roach:Aight we'll meet you 'round back
Art:Ok, look I need to talk to you about something
Roach:Listening
Art:Well my sister has been telling me a few things about....
Roach:About what? Those lies she says. Let me tell you something, Art, your sister isn't the sweet innocent girl she claims to be, back in school she was the biggest whore in the tri-state area, take it from a guy who knew her. The stuff about David and my ex are lies. David wrecked the car on his own and my ex-girlfriend was a lunatic so before she goes out and says those things about me she should get her facts straight. Trust me Art, listen to me you'll get far. Listen to her and you'll get nothin
Art:I guess your right
Roach:Art, I'm always right and you'll learn this as time goes on whatever Roach says goes
(Cut to Arthur's house where we find him downstairs)
Major:First date, son are you nervous?
Arthur:No dad I'm just the same as usual
Jessie:Oh Arthur, this is great, I got the camera ready and everything for you and Janet's first date
Major:Lets hear it for the potential of a long, beautiful relationship
Major, Jessie, and Lillian(raising glasses):Hooray!
(While this is transpiring Arthur keeps a concerned look on his face)
(We later find Jessie, Lillian, Art, and Major in the car heading to Janet's house, they arrive)
Major:Well what are you waiting for, go get the lucky lady
(Arthur gets out and walks up the stairs at her house. He knocks at the door and Norma answers)
Norma:Oh hey Art, she'll be down in a sec, come on in. Where's your sis at?
Arthur:She's in the car
(Arthur sits down as Norma walks outside. He looks around the house and daydreams a bit. Janet comes downstairs he looks up and gazes at her in amazement)
Janet:What do you think?
Arthur:I really don't know what to say
Janet(giggling):Well say something
Arthur:Something
Janet:Oh Art your silly
(Norma and Lillian walks in)
Lillian:Oh Janet you look fantastic
Janet:Thanks, Norma did my hair
Arthur:We better hurry up so we can get in before the line
Janet:Good idea, I'll see you later tonight, sis
Norma:Have fun you two
(Janet and Arthur get in the car, 20 minutes later they arrive at the dance)
(We fade into the dance where we find Arthur and Janet walking in)
Arthur:Well lets get this going
(They go in the center of the room and begin to dance)
NOTE:Due to the fact I do not feel like writing a dance sequence I'm going to go ahead and have you assume what happen then just continue writing because I am severely lazy when it comes to writing dance sequences
(TWO AND HALF HOURS LATER)
Janet:Arthur, I am having the best time of my life. I think its time we should go
Arthur:Alright
(They head outside and walk to the Park there they sit underneath a tree and look at the stars)
Arthur:Its like they're shining down on us
Janet:Yeah
Arthur:The future is getting bright Janet, we're just two shooting stars coming together
Janet:Arthur, I...
Arthur:I know what you want to say but let me say...
(Before he can finish Roach, Bobby Blue, Ernie, Johnny, and Tommy show up)
Roach:Well isn't it Art, where were ya buddy I said around back and you weren't there
Art:My bad, I just had to take care of business with this dame
(Janet gives Art a disgusted look)
Roach:Well bring her along too we can all have some fun
Janet:I think you all can just carry on me and Arthur are enjoying the night
Art:Don't be silly Janet, we can have plenty of fun with Roach. What do you got in mind?
Roach:Nice to see it our way, Ernie you tell em the place
Ernie:Emery's Drug Store, old man Emery is loaded with cash in that register should be just enough to buy us a trip to Coney Island in the summer
Roach:And for some other things, come on lets go
Janet:Arthur, I really don't want to do this
Art:Look baby, I did my part for you and you should your part for me
(Janet just about defeated follows Art)
(Roach gets on his chopper while Thunder and Lightning take their car, while Janet, Arthur, and Ernie ride with Bobby Blue)
Janet(to Ernie):What are you thinking
Ernie:Look, its money Janet, somethin you don't know a thing about. We're doing this for a good cause. While old man Emery gets to blow his money on whatever we're sittin here dyin
Janet:The guy works hard, you shouldn't do this
Ernie:Look just sit back and relax alright and maybe you'll get a cookie or somethin for good behavior.
Bobby Blue:Just like her sister knows nothin bout anything
(They arrive at Emery's Drug Store)
Roach:Alright fellas, Bobby you prank call the police and send them off away from here and I mean FAR away. Ernie you keep an eye out. Johnny, Tommy yous two take out anyone that gets near, Art, heres' your chance buddy. Take the crowbar and smash the window.
Art:I don't know, Roach how bout you do it you have more experience
Roach:Whaddya sayin?
Art:Nothing you have experience in breaking into stores like these
Roach:What are you some kind of chicken?
Arthur:No its just I don't want to do this anymore
Roach:Do it, Art unless your still the coward nerd who reads books on the weekends
Janet:Don't do it Arthur
Roach:Shut up, he listens to me
(He slaps Janet)
Arthur:Come on thats not called for!
Roach:You listen here, Art, when it comes to me and you your nothin and I'm something I can make you or I can break you so make your pick. You want me to hit her again? Break the window or your girlfriend will get a new face and it won't be pretty
(Arthur takes the crowbar and smashes it)
Roach:Haha thats my man, Quick Johnny, Tommy take the register
(Johnny and Tommy grab the register and take it)
Arthur:Alright I did what I had to do now leave her alone
Roach:Alright
(Roach shoves Janet from behind into the ground)
Arthur:Janet!
(He goes to the ground and holds her from behind Roach punches him in the side of the head. He falls over and tries to get up only to be triple teamed by Bobby Blue, Johnny, and Tommy. Throughout the sequence Janet pleads for them to stop but they keep hitting him. Roach gives him a final shot to the face and he falls to the ground. Arthur tries to get back up)
Everybody(to Ernie):Come on Ernie do it! do it!
Janet:Ernie please don't!
(Ernie looks at Bobby Blue, Tommy, Johnny, and Roach then at Janet then at Arthur. He hesitates for a second)
Ernie:Sorry buddy please forgive me
(As he says forgive me he nails Arthur with a kick to the head)
Roach:Come on fellas lets get out of here and if you two ever tell on us, I'll give you a beating worse than others I've given before
(Roach, Johnny, Tommy, Bobby Blue, and Ernie walk away as they walk away Ernie stops, looks back, turns around and continues walking)
Janet:Arthur, are you ok
Arthur(heavy breaths):Yeah lets just get out of here
(She helps him up and they walk down the sidewalk. They are able to find a taxi. They get into it and ride to Janet's house)
Arthur:I'm sorry about what happened earlier
Janet:Its alright I'm just glad we're safe.
Arthur:Janet..
Janet:Yes?
Arthur:I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. Our friendship has been the best part of my life so far and I think we should get together. So how about it?
Janet:Yes, I want to be with
(They engage looks at each other before finally kissing)
End Scene 10
Scene 11
(We find Arthur in his bed the next morning, he gets up and goes down stairs where he finds two Police Officers in his living room)
Jessie:Oh Arthur, your up
Arthur:Yeah, w-what’s going on?
Officer 1:Look son, last night there was a robbery and several unanimous tips all point to you as being the one behind it
Arthur:That’s not true!
Officer 2: We’re afraid you’re going to have to come with us
Arthur: This is ridiculous, dad do something!
Major:Look, I know for a fact my boy is innocent
Officer 2:Sir, back away or we’ll have to take you in too
Major:I fought in World War II for this country and by god I demand some respect
Officer 1:Just back away sir and things will be fine, you can call your lawyer right now. Until then your son is a criminal under out custody
(Officer 1 puts handcuffs on Arthur and they take him away in a police cruiser as his neighbors watch on in disappointment)
(Meanwhile over at Janet’s house we find Janet walking out of the bathroom. She sits down at the table)
Janet:Oh gosh, I’m not feeling good
Norma:Why did you get in so late?
Janet:Nothing we just had some fun
Norma:Well, Lillian called and she wants to know what happened
Janet:Why?
Norma:Because Arthur is in jail
Janet:What? What happened?
Norma:They didn’t tell me, they just said they wanted to talk to you
Janet:Somethings up, come on lets go!
(We cut to the Jail cell where we find Arthur in the cell. There he finds 3 people)
Person 1:Well who is this new guy
Arthur:Arthur Bartley
Person 2:What are you in for?
Arthur:Robbery
Person 3:Dang kid
Arthur:Who are you guys?
Person 1:Stanley
Person 2:Kurt
Person 3:Tim
Stanley:We’re all in a band, Stanley and the Staples
Arthur:Oh
Kurt:We're looking into a plan for tonight. The prison is having a concert tonight and thats where
we are going to make our escape. Can you sing?
Arthur:Well I don't know I've never really tried before
Kurt:Well its not that important of a gig so I guess you can sing but you gotta rally the crowd long enough to spark the riot then we leave and get out of here. I got a friend in England who knows a few things about music and we can be huge.
Arthur:I guess I'll do it
Stanley:Thats the spirit, I'll be on guitar, Kurt on drums, and Tim on bass. We'll be the final act tonight
Arthur:Alright
(We cut away from prison to find Janet running to Arthur's house. She knocks on the door and Jessie answers)
Jessie:Hello?
Janet:Mrs.Bartley, where is Arthur
Jessie:He was arrested this morning for robbery
Janet:Mrs.Bartley, I was there last night and he did not commit the crime. It was those boys, Roach, Bobby Blue, Tommy, Johnny, and Ernie
Jessie:We got to get to the police I hope its not too late
End Scene 11
Scene 12
(Its night time in the jail)
Warden:Welcome everybody to the 75th Annual Petapenpe Prison Prom...say that 75 times. Our first act is Soul Sammy and Six Singers
(7 musicians get on stage and begin to perform meanwhile we find Arthur talking with Stanley backstage)
Stanley:Alright Artie, know any songs
Arthur:Not really
Kurt:Don't feel bad we got one for you
(They show him a piece of paper)
Kurt:Just read the lyrics come in around 20 seconds into the guitar riff and read off the words
Warden:Next up in the Petapenpe Prison Prom is Stanley and the Staples with lead singer
Arthur Bartley
Kurt:Here we go, kid
(Kurt, Tim, Stanley, and Arthur get on stage)
Stanley:Our first song is bound to be a riot and a half. Its Johnny B. Goode from the coolest cat this side of Connecticut, Chuck Berry
(Guitar riff)
Arthur(singing):
Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans
Way back up on the woods among the evergreens
There stood an old cabin made of earth and wood
Where lived a country boy named Johnny B Goode
Who'd never ever learned to read or write so well
But he could play a guitar just like a ringin' a bell
Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Johnny B. Goode!
He used to carry his guitar in a gurny sack
Go sit beneath the tree by the railroad track
Old engineers in the train would see him him sittin' in the shade
Strummin' with the rhythm that the drivers made
The people passed him by they would stop and say
Oh my but that little country boy could play
Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Go! Johnny!Go! Go! Johnny B. Goode!
(Guitar Solo)
(As Guitar Solo begins, Kurt kicks over the amplifier, and the band begins to smash their instruments at that moment a full on prison riot begins. Prisoners begin fighting off the guards. As the guards and prisoners fight, Arthur, Kurt, Tim, and Stanley escape through a back door at the prison and flee into the streets)
(Meanwhile at the Police Station we find Janet, Jessie, Lillian, Norma, and Major talking to the Sheriff)
Janet:Look officer I was with him last night and he did nothing wrong if anything Arthur is a
victim of a heinous crime by a few boys
Sheriff:Well young lady can you describe these young boys?
Janet:Theres Roach, he was kicked out of school for destroying the Principal's car, he has brown
hair and wears a leather jacket, then Bobby Blue he's really big then Johnny and Tommy along
with Ernie.
Sheriff:Well we can see if we can find them but til them I'm afraid Arthur Bartley is the prime suspect as we were told earlier by an anymonous tip by telephone
(A News bulletin pops up on TV)
News Reporter:We interupt this program to bring you this interuption, four teens have broken out of Pendepenpe Penitentary Prison. They are being identified as Stanley Stirrup, Tim Thomas, Kurt Kolebain, and Arthur Bartley, who is suspected in a robbery that occured last night at Emery Drug Store. We go to John Alexander with the report...
Jessie:Oh my goodness he's escaped
Sheriff:Typical jailbirds trying to escape what kind of son is he
Major:A very good one officer, you'll find out he's innocent
End Scene 12
Scene 13
(We find Arthur back at his house, he grabs a knife from the kitchen. He walks outside and sees Kurt, Tim, and Stanley)
Arthur:Why are you guys still here?
Stanley:You helped us bail out so we can help you
Tim:Yeah sounds like them boys down at the lumber yard gave you a bad deal
Kurt:We want to prove you innocent Art
Arthur:Gee thanks guys
Stanley:Come on we only got limited time before the cops get here lets hurry!
(They head off around the back of the house. Meanwhile we find Roach at the Lumber Yard smoking. Ernie walks up to him)
Ernie:Kind of nervous
Roach:Why's that, Ern?
Ernie:I don't know no one buys that Art did the crime
Roach:Look Ernie he's in jail, he can't do anything about it. Janet can tell all she wants about that night but the cops ain't going to believe her and even if they do, we're in Michigan across the lake is Canada. They can't get us there, eh?
Ernie:I guess your right
(Suddenly Bobby Blue pulls up in the car)
Bobby Blue:Boss listen to this
(He turns up the radio)
Radio Announcer:As many of you may have heard already be on the look out for 4 teens who escaped from Prison tonight. They're being identified as Stanley Stirrup, Tim Thomas, Kurt Kolebain, and Arthur Bartley. They're all under 20, unarmed, and may be wearing orange jumpsuits.
Roach:Eh, don't sweat it he don't have the stuff to come here and beat us.
Ernie:Well I guess we're ok hey I'm headin to my old man's place, you guys want some smokes?
Roach:Sure get 5 packs I'm runnin low
(Ernie gets on his bike and rides down the road. He rides his bike a few blocks down the road before wrecking it. He falls into the bushes. He gets up and out of nowhere Arthur pushes him against a cage wall with a knife to his throat)
Ernie(breathing heavily):Oh hey Art, whats up chum?
Arthur:Where is he?
Ernie(scared):Who Art? Who?
Arthur(pushing the knife closer to throat):You know who
Ernie(scared):Look Art, I swear buddy I didn't tell the cops
Arthur:Don't lie to me, Ernie
Ernie(beginning to cry):Look, I'm sorry Art, I'm sorry
(Arthur throws him to the ground)
Arthur:Sorry ain't cutting it, Ernie. Why did you do it?
Ernie(full on crying):Do what Art?
Arthur:You kicked me in the head last night. Friends don't do that to each other especially friends of 15 years. Does 15 years mean anything to you, Ern?
Ernie(beginning to stop):It does Art, it does!
Arthur:Then take us to Roach, now!
Ernie(still crying a tad):Look I promised Roach I wouldn't tell
Arthur:You promised a lot, Ern, you said you'd never betray me, now here we are, I'm running from the law and your the snitch that told.
Ernie(crying):Fine I'll show you, Art I'll show you
Arthur:Good
(Ernie goes to get on his bike but Arthur takes it away)
Arthur:I bike you walk
(Ernie walks ahead while Arthur, Stanley, Kurt, and Tim follow along on bikes. Meanwhile at
Arthur's house, Janet and his family arrives)
Major:Jeez what happened here?
Lillian:I think he was here
Jessie:I found a note on the table(she reads it):Dear Mom and Dad, I've headed off to find Roach
I want to proove my innocence but it won't be easy
Major:Well where can we find Roach
Janet:We can try the Lumber Yard down by the lake, we got to hurry before something happens.
(They get in a car, across town we find that Arthur, Ernie, Tim, Kurt, and Stanley have arrived)
Ernie:There, he we are
Arthur:Good now you get out of here before you get hurt too, Ernie
Ernie:Fine, Art, but your gonna regret this
(Ernie rides off in his bike)
Arthur(yelling):Roach! I'm here for your business
(Roach appears on top of a pile of lumber)
Roach:I was expectin you, Art. I see you've brought yourself a little army of connies. Get em
boys!
(Bobby Blue appears)
Arthur:Wait you said boys
Kurt:Yeah what gives?
Roach:Well he can account for 2 or 3 people
Bobby Blue:Hey I take offense to that
Roach:Shut up fat boy
Bobby Blue:Hey, you know what? I'm tired of being your pet and I'm tired of you making fun of me, I have feelings too
Roach:Who pays for your meals?
Bobby Blue:You
Roach:Who fixed ya car?
Bobby Blue:You
Roach:Who did your sister?
Bobby Blue:You
Roach:My point exactly now get em!
(Arthur, Tim, Kurt, and Stanley charge for him only to get knocked over. They all circle around him and jump only to be pushed off again)
Tim:He ain't goin down
(They huddle. All 4 charge at once and keep changing direction. Eventually they run in a circle around him. Bobby Blue gets confused and dizzy. Eventually they stop and knock him over from behind onto the ground. Bobby Blue gets up and gets his knee chopped down from behind by
Tim. They all dive on him at once. Kurt pulls a rope out of his pocket and ties Bobby Blue's leg to a 2X4 board underneath several other boards)
Arthur:Lets split up, Stanley you go with me. Tim and Kurt you go a different direction we're going. Lets find Thunder and Lightning. They both got dark hair and wear leather jackets and dark jeans
(Arthur and Stanley go around the outside to look while Kurt and Tim head to the inside to find them. As Kurt and Tim run, they are whacked in the head by 2 2x6's. Thunder and Lightning appear out of nowhere)
Tom Thunder:2 down, 2 to go
(Thunder and Lightning go back into the side. Meanwhile Arthur and Stanley look and walk around the corner heading towards them)
Johnny Lightning:Here they come
(Arthur and Stanley run full speed in the area looking up, down, left, and right to find them. As they head toward where Thunder and Lightning are, they are tripped by their 2x6's and fall to the ground hard. Thunder and Lightning appear from out of the shadows. Thunder grabs Art and pushes him into the lumber pile and slaps him around while Lightning slaps Stanley around.)
Tom Thunder:Johnny, get your guitar ready time to play some sweet 6 string bash
(Lightning picks up a guitar from where they were hiding and holds it up while Thunder holds Arthur. As Lightning approaches him, Arthur head butts him with the back of his head, slips out and Lightning accidently nails Thunder with the guitar. Lightning looks on stunned as Arthur strikes him in the face, shoves him into the lumber pile, punches him in the stomach, and throws him into Thunder knocking them both over and into the lumber pile which collapses. Before it can fall, Arthur pulls Stanley away and the pile collapses onto Thunder and Lightning(don't ask how this is possible I just need a way to write them off).)
Arthur:You alright Stan?
Stanley:I think so
(Kurt and Tim get up)
Kurt:What happened
Arthur:We took out Thunder and Lightning now Roach is the only one left. I can take him, you all get out of here. Theres a boatyard a few miles away. Heres some money for the boat take it and head to Canada
Stanley:Thanks Art, it's been nice knowing you
Arthur:Thank you guys, good luck on your band and for this
Stanley:Get em Art, get em
(Stanley, Kurt, and Tim run off. Arthur goes looking around for him. Just as Arthur rounds the corner his family and Janet arrive they spot him getting out and Janet goes after him)
Jessie:Janet, come back!
Janet:You go get the police, tell them we found the real robbers and get them over here
immediately
Jessie:What about you?
Janet:I'll be fine
(Jessie, Lillian, and Major drive off to get the police. Meanwhile Arthur goes around the corner
and finds Roach attempting to escape on a boat)
Arthur:So it comes down to this?
Roach:How in the hell did you get through the gang?
Arthur:Well it started when you ran away you see Bobby Blue gets dizzy from watching people run so we knocked him over and tied him to the lumber pile. Thunder and Lightning was a shock
to me because I didn't expect them to fight so poorly.
Roach:I guess I should've just left
Arthur:You should've. Now lets settle this mono e mono
(Suddenly Janet appears from around the corner)
Janet:Arthur!
Arthur:Janet!
(Ernie sneaks from behind)
Arthur:Watch out!
(Ernie puts his hand on Janet's mouth and pulls out a gun)
Ernie:Make one more move Art and Janet gets it
Arthur:Come on Ernie you can't do this to her
Ernie:I do what I damn well please I ain't lettin some dork tell me what to do no longer
Arthur:Ernie, I've been your best friend for 15 years Janet's been your friend for 10, can you at least show some sympathy
Ernie:I ain't got no sympathy, Art. All I got is my smokes, my gun, and the money
Roach:Thats my buddy now lets put a cap in these losers and head to Canada
(Ernie draws his gun towards Roach)
Ernie:I'm afraid it won't be happenin, Todd
Roach:You lyin back stabbin son of a...
Ernie(getting angry):I'm warning you Todd you make a move to and it'll be a trip of 3 straight to hell
Arthur:Just put the gun down, Ernie
Ernie(aiming to Arthur):Shut up, I don't have to hear your crap you whiny little freak
(Just as Ernie is yelling at Arthur, Roach makes a run for it but is shot in the back by Ernie. Janet screams)
Ernie:Now just get the money from Roach, Art and things will be fine. I'll take the boat and you'll never see me again
Arthur:Alright fine
(Arthur walks over to the money bag and takes it from Roach's body. He walks slowly toward Ernie)
Arthur:You want it? Hear it is
(He throws up in the air. Ernie looks up to catch it and at that moment Janet bites his arm and he drops the gun. Arthur runs to get it and they fight on the ground for it and accidently knock it into the boat. Ernie has Arthur pinned to the ground when Janet gets on his back and claws at his eyes. Ernie gets up and throws Janet down. Upon seeing the fallen Janet, Arthur runs up and tackles Ernie to the ground delivering fist after fist to the face of Ernie. Ernie turns Arthur over and they brawl on the ground. Police sirens are heard in the air. Meanwhile Ernie and Arthur continue the fight. The police arrive and tackle Arthur.)
Janet:Wait you got the wrong guy
(While Arthur is being taken down, Ernie grabs for the gun and turns to fire at Arthur but Janet jumps on his back again covering his face he drops the gun into the water and drops Janet onto the ground. Arthur breaks free of the police and tackles Ernie again. Arthur starts pounding on
Ernie again breaking his nose. The police get him off of Ernie and arrests the both of them.)
Ernie:Officers, he's the man who robbed the store last night and the man who shot the cat over there
Arthur:Officers, I swear on my life it was he who committed the crime
Officer:Well tell us young lady who was it?
Janet:It was Ernie. he was the one who did it
Ernie:Darnit I knew 2 on 1 was a bad spot
(Ernie is arrested and taken to a police car there Arthur talks to him)
Arthur:Ern, look I'm sorry but you betrayed me
Ernie:Stuff your sorries in your sack because when I get out of this joint, it'll be your blood
(The police car is driven away by an officer. The Sheriff walks up to Arthur)
Arthur:Let me ask you, sir, what drives someone so good to so much evil
Sheriff:Some say its the parents, they're not good to the kid and the kid finds themselves with no guidance or direction. Without that society itself would collapse. Thats why you people(talking to audience)should take a stand for the events you just witnessed here are things that can happen to anybody or anything anywhere. It can happen to your friends, your son, your daughter, your niece, your nephew, your brother, your sister and can even happen...to you. So take a stance America fight this evilness known as Juvenile Deliquency. Its a cancer, a disturbing cancer sweeping the nation corrupting the lives of our children. To prevent what you've just witnessed happen get your sons or daughters in a good Catholic based school or put them on sports. Volleyball, Baseball, Football, and/or Basketball coaches can be guidance for them towards a better life and when they turn 18 send your young boys to the Army and the young girls to a perfectly fine suitor for the decisions you make affect the future of our great American society.
Arthur:I was just asking a question
Sheriff:And I was just answering it....any idea where the other boys are at?
Arthur:2 are buried under lumber and the other is tied to a pile
Sheriff:What about The Staples?
Arthur:Couldn't tell you
Sheriff:Why not?
Arthur:I don't betray friends
Sheriff:What about Ernie?
Arthur:He betrayed me first
Sheriff:Well played Bartley, well played
(The Sheriff leaves and Janet walks back over)
Janet:Tough week, eh?
Arthur:We're not in Canada
Janet:We're still in Michigan
Arthur:No one in Michigan says "Eh?"
Janet:Eh?
Arthur:Nevermind
Janet:Arthur.... I want to tell you something...private
(They walk over away from everybody else and in front of a building)
Janet:Arthur, about last night
Arthur:Look I know what happened but...
Janet:I do too and this morning I found out...I'm pregnaut!
Arthur:Oh jeez you actually had me going for a second
Janet:Its still April Fools, Arthur
Arthur:It is? Jeez what a slow week
Janet:What were you expecting?
Arthur:Well I certainly expecting the Spanish Inquisition
(Loud music blurs as the Spanish Inquisition pops out from the building)
Cardinal Ximenex:Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
(Out of nowhere the building pops completely open as MEL BROOKS dressed as Torquemada and other back-ups singers appear)
Torquemada and (Back-up Singers):
The Inquisition (Let's begin)The Inquisition (Look out sin)We have a mission to convert the Jews (Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew)We're gonna teach them wrong from right.We're gonna help them see the lightand make an offer that they can't refuse. (That those Jews just can't refuse)Confess, don't be boringSay yes, don't be dull.A fact you're ignoring:It's better to lose your skull cap than your skull (or your govalt!)The Inquisition (what a show)The Inquistion (here we go)We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!
Ernie:
I was sitting in a temple. I was minding my own business.I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass.Then these Papus persons plungered and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.Is that considerate? Is that polite?And not a tube of Preperation H in sight!
Roach:
I'm sittin' flickin' chickens and I'm lookin' throught the pickins' and suddenly thes goyim pull down valls.I didn't even know them and they grabbed my by the stoghum and started playing ping pong with my balls!Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!To make my privates public for a game?
(Torquemada and back-up singers re-appear)
Torquemada and (back-up singers):
The Inquisition (what a show)The Inquisition (here we go)We know you're wishin' that we'd go away. But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-(Stanley and the Staples appear interrupting Torquemada)
Stanley and the Staples:Hey Toquemada, what do you say.
Torquemada:I just got back from the Auto-de-fe.
Stanley and the Staples:Auto-de-fe? What's an Auto-de-fe?
Torquemada:It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway.Skit skat do ba de day(To Arthur and Janet)Will you convert?
Janet and Arthur:No, no, no, no.
Torquemada:Will you confess?
Janet and Arthur:No, no, no, no.
Torquemada:Will you revert?
Janet and Arthur:No, no, no, no.
Torquemada:Will you say yes?
Janet and Arthur:No, no, no, no.
Torquemada:Now I asked in a nice way, I said, "Pretty please."I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!
(He hits the cast in the knees like keyboards in a row)
The Back-up Singers:Hey Toquemada, walk this way. We got a little game that you might wanna play, so pull that handle, try you're luck.
Sheriff:Who knows, Toq, you might win a buck!
Torquemada:Alright(He proceeds to play the slots using members of the cast and gets the same 3 numbers and money pours out)
(Torquemada walks over to Roach, Ernie, Bobby Blue, Thunder and Lightning)
Torquemada:How we doin', any converts today?
Roach, Ernie, Bobby Blue, Thunder and Lightning:Not a one, nay, nay, nay.
Torquemada:We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!Nothing is working! Send in the nuns!
(Suddenly several diving boards are erected by the lake as Norma, Jessie, and Lillian get on diving boards dressed as nuns and dive into the water swimming with the cast. Soon they rise on a giant "J" and Torquemada re-appears. They all get in a line in front of the lake and sing)
The Entire Cast:The Inquisition, what a show.The Inquisition, here we go.We know you're wishin' that we'd go away!So all you Muslims and you JewsWe got big news for all of yous:You'd better change your point of views TODAY!'Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!
(Everything turns black but light returns with a courtroom scene)
Judge:Mr.Basford you are being charged with the crime of plaigerism. How do you plea?
Joey Basford:Extremely Guilty
Judge:Well Mr.Basford, you have two options go to prison...
Joey Basford:Well Judge I'd do anything for love...but I won't do that
Judge:...or pay back the people you plagerized from despite getting permission to plagerize
Joey Basford:I'll take Jail
(We go to a shot of a poster saying, "Joey Basford Presents...The 50's Reborn!" The poster rises revealing Joey on a mic, Matt Johnson on Guitar, and Jacob Reese on Drums. They proceed to perform Jailhouse Rock as the cast comes out and takes a bow.)
The End
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